How to worship the Nigerian god

The Nigerian god is one. It may have many different manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow the Nigerian god.

This article is for all those who want to become better worshippers. If you are a new or prospective convert, God will bless you for choosing the Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship him.

First, you must understand that being a worshipper has nothing to do with character, good works or righteousness. So the fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. The opening prayer is important. Nothing can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god appreciates communication.

When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say—in addition to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it. The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your lover.

When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.

Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and are able to afford that Phantom, when people say you have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God has been good to me”. By this you mean the Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.

Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian god understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.

The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually, (through God’s grace), win the elections, you must begin by declaring that your success is the wish of God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. It is not your fault whom the Nigerian god chooses to reward with political success. How can mere mortals complain?

The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s.

The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of god asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of barrenness is caused by witches and has no scientific explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.

If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.

The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to you, put up statuses saying how much you are crazy about God.

These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: "Now in Church" or "This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing" when performing acts of worship.

In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.

Outrageous : A Nigerian Senator Earns More than Barack Obama of USA and David Cameron of UK

A Nigerian senator earns more in Salary than Barack Obama of the US and David Cameron of the UK. I'll leave you to tell how much Nigerian president goes home with at the end of each month. An Indian lawmaker must work for at least 49 years to earn the annual salary of a Nigerian senator.

In the United States, while the minimum wage is $1,257 (N191, 667), a US lawmaker earns $15,080 (N2.3m) per month. In the United Kingdom, a lawmaker earns $8,686(N1.3m) monthly while the gross national minimum wage is $1,883 (N283, 333) per month. Also, Nigerian lawmakers earn higher than their counterparts in Sweden. With a monthly pay of $7,707 (N1.2m), a lawmaker in Sweden will need to work for over 12 years to equal what a Nigerian senator earn per annum.


The president of the United States takes home an anual salary of $400,000 (N64.156,0m), including a $50,000 expense allowance making the president the highest paid public servant in the US. The $400,000 includes everything and $350,000 out of it is taxable.


Selected States (salary per annum)
The prime minister of the United Kingdom......USD 226,627.00 
French president......................................... USD 318,072.00 
South African president................................USD 296,112.00 
German chancelor........................................USD 296,112.00 
The Prime Minister of Belgium.......................USD 174,804.00 
President of the Republic of Korea.................USD 136,669.00 
President of Russia.......................................USD 122,652.00 
Prime Minister Portugal.................................USD 129,730.00 
Prime Minister Namibia.................................USD 115,155.00 
President of Angola......................................USD 60,000.00 
President Argentina......................................USD 55,139.00 
Prime Minister Ukraine..................................USD 61,254.00 
President Zimbabwe.....................................USD 18,000.00 
President of People's republic of China...........USD 10,633.00 
President Liberia..........................................USD 90,000.00 
Prime Minister Spain ...................................USD 102,960.00 
Prime Minister Namibia................................USD 115,155.00 
President Namibia.......................................USD 164,506.00 
President of Colombia ................................USD 120,685.00 
Prime Minister of the Netherlands.................USD 190,740.00 
Prime Minister Ireland.................................USD 264,000.00 
Prime Minister Denmark..............................USD 264,533.00 
President Mexico........................................USD 328,839.00 
USD 328,839.00 ........................................USD 427,886.00 
President Austria........................................USD 422,231.00 
President of the European Council................USD 508,916.00 


NIGERIAN SENATORS
Basic Salary (BS) = N2,484,245.50


Hardship Allowanc: 50% of Basic Salary = N1,242,122.75


Constituency allowance: 200% of BS  =  N4,968,509.00


Furniture Allowance: 300% of BS = N7,452,736.50


Newspaper allowance: 50% = N1,242,122.70 


Wardrobe allowance: 25%   = N621,061.37


Recess Allowance: 10%       = N248,424.55


Accommodation: 200%        = N4,968,509.00


Utilities: 30%                      = N828,081.83


Domestic Staff: 35%           = N863,184.12


Entertainment: 30%            = N828,081.83


Personal Assistance: 25%   = N621,061.37


Vehicle Maintenance Allowance: 75%  = N1,863,184.12


Leave Allowance : 10% = N248,424.55


One off payments (Severance gratuity): 300%  = N7,452,736.50 


Motor Vehicle Allowance: 400% of BS = N9,936,982.00 


Total per month = N29, 479, 749.00    


A senator's anual salary          = over N182 million 
multiply by 109 senators (don't forget the House of rep, ministers, ambassadors,  ...)


In addition to the regular and legitimate salaries and allowances of over N17 million ($113,333) and N14.99 million ($99,933) which senators and reps were collecting yearly and the irregular allowance of estacodes, duty tours etc, they were also collecting over N192m ($1.28m) and N140m ($0.93m) respectively in illicit quarterly allocation which is not provided for by RMAFC.


Effectively, a Nigerian senator was taking home at least $1.40m ($1.28m quarterly allocations + $0.113m regular salaries and allowances) as against the $0.174m an American senator takes home hence a Nigeria senator earns at least 8 times as much as an American senator and more than 3 times the American president.


Whereas a Senator in the U.S earns N21, 146,000, the same as a member of the House of Representatives; a UK Member of Parliament earn £64,766 (N14, 896,180)


In other words, a Federal Legislator in Nigeria is paid more than double what a Member of British Parliament earns per annum.


Senate President David Mark alone takes N250 million quarterly or N83.33 million per month. Senate Deputy President Ike Ekweremadu gets N150 million per quarter or N50 million a month.


Mark and Ekweremadu earns in 4 months, six times what the UK Prime Minister earns in a year. David Cameron goes home with £190,000 per anum (N43, 700,000)


In a newspaper news article entitled ‘An Assembly for looting’ written by Musikilu Mojeed with Elor Nkereuwem, the authors rightly claimed that each of the 360 members of the House of Representatives were getting N35 million in cash money in quarterly allocation while each of the 109 Senators pockets N48 million each. These allocations have however been slashed by 20% to N27 million ($180,000) and N38 million ($253,333) respectively due to the 20% reduction requested by the late president.

WOMEN. 21 WAYS TO LOVE UR HUSBAND!!!

WOMEN. 21 WAYS TO LOVE UR HUSBAND!!!




1. Discover his favorite pet name n call him by that.
2. Allow him exercise his authority as the head of the family.
3. DO not challenge him when he is hurt.


4. Be silent when he is angry. You can go back to him in his sober moment with apology n explain why you behave that way that annoyed him.
5. Be quick to say " I am sorry dear". When ever u offend him pettingly, insist on his forgiveness and kiss him when he does.
6. Speak good of him b4 his Friends n siblings.
7. honor his mother
8. Insist that he buys gift to his parents and so be sure that he will do same 4 your parents
9. Surprise him with his favorite dish especially when he has no enough money at hand
10. Do not allow maid to serve him food when you are at home. B'cos u may lose him to them.
11. Give him warm reception with an embrace when he returns, collect his luggage and help undress him.
12. Smile when u looks at him and give him occasional packs when u are out socially.
13. Praise him b4 your children.
14. Wash his back while he is in the tub or shower.
15. Put love note in his lunch or purse.
16. Phone n tell him that u miss him.
17. Dial his number and on hearing "hello" just tell him I love u
18. If he is a public figure or politician gently wake him at the early hours of the morn n romance him to the point of demand. He will not be entice by any other woman that day.
19. Tel him how lucky you are to have him as your husband.
20. Give him a hug 4 no reason.
21. Appreciate God 4 the Adam of your life. Implement this law that every morn your family will wake up n pray. It do brings unit. Value your husband b'cos u may
not have the 2nd chance to love
him. Pray to God to protect him. If u practice all these, your husband will be afraid to cheat on u, even if he does his mind 'll not be at rest. If your husband is already cheating on u,begin to practice these and u will win him back. Do support it with prayers b'cos nothing is impossible 4 God. I wish u a happy home and lovable husband.

Nigerian firm wins $1.2bn housing contracts in Chad

Nigerian firm wins $1.2bn housing contracts in Chad


A Nigerian company, Exhimab Integrated Linx Limited has secured a $1.2 billion contract for the construction of 50,000 housing units to be financed by the Chadian Government. Chairman of the company, Alhaji Ahmed Tijani Umar, said the houses, which would be spread across all the provinces are in different categories of one, two, three and four bedroom flats in major towns in Chad Republic.


According to him, construction is expected to commence on July 1, 2010 with the completion date put at 2013. Umar described the project as one of Chad Republic’s many welfare plans to ensure that its citizenry enjoy benefit from its crude oil windfall as well as a fulfilment of President Idriss Derby’s pledge to Chadians.


Based on the Memorandum of Understanding (MoU) signed by his company and the Chadian Government, he said he was to provide 80 per cent of the funds by receiving international guarantee from the Chadian Government while the Government of the Republic of Chad would provide the remaining 20 per cent counterpart funds including land.


Alhaji Umar commended the Chadian President, Idriss Deby for the confidence and encouragement reposed on Exhimab, particularly on the tax holiday and waiver on building materials imported to the landlocked country.


Tagged: Mass Housing for All in Chad, the Exhimab boss declared that the project would be flagged off with the Presidents of other neighbouring countries of Chad present. The MoU was signed by Alhaji Ahmed Tijani Umar on behalf of Exhimab and the Minister of Housing and Regional Development, Mr. Djimrangar Dadnadji, for the Chadian Government.


According to the MoU, the Chadian Government would provide the land, and 20 per cent financing and administrative support needed for the success of the programme.

COUNTRY WITH THE WORLD'S FASTEST INTERNET SPEEDS

WASHINGTON (AFP) - The United States ranks 28th in the world in average Internet connection speed and is not making significant progress in building a faster network, according to a report released on Tuesday.


The report by the Communications Workers of America (CWA) said the average download speed in South Korea is 20.4 megabits per second (mbps) -- four times faster than the US average of 5.1 mbps.


Japan trails South Korea with an average of 15.8 mbps followed by Sweden at 12.8 mbps and the Netherlands at 11.0 mbps, the report said.


It said tests conducted by speedmatters.org found the average US download speed had improved by only nine-tenths of a megabit per second between 2008 and 2009 -- from 4.2 mbps to 5.1 mbps.


"The US has not made significant improvement in the speeds at which residents connect to the Internet," the report said. "Our nation continues to fall far behind other countries."


"People in Japan can upload a high-definition video in 12 minutes, compared to a grueling 2.5 hours at the US average upload speed," the report said.


It said 18 percent of those who took a US speed test recorded download speeds that were slower than 768 kilobits per second, which does not even qualify as basic broadband, according to the Federal Communications Commission.


Sixty-four percent connected at up to 10 mbps, 19 percent connected at speeds greater than 10 mbps and two percent exceeded 25 mbps.


The United States was ranked 20th in broadband penetration in a survey of 58 countries released earlier this year by Boston-based Strategy Analytics.


South Korea, Singapore, the Netherlands, Denmark and Taiwan were the top five countries listed in terms of access to high-speed Internet.


US President Barack Obama has pledged to put broadband in every home and the FCC has embarked on an ambitious project to bring high-speed Internet access to every corner of the United States.


According to the CWA report, the fastest download speeds in the United States are in the northeastern parts of the country while the slowest are in states such as Alaska, Idaho, Montana and Wyoming.

Unity Bank Retires 500 Workers

Unity Bank Plc Monday said about 500 members of its staff will proceed on retirement, in line with a programme aimed at reinvigorating its workforce.


The bank also said that about 389 members of staff in various departments were promoted while salary increments by way of notches were also given to another 1,855.


A statement from the bank explained that the move was aimed at raising productivity and competitive position in the industry. “With the implementation of the programme, the bank has announced staff promotions, retirements and will embark on new recruitments to fill vacancies,” it said.


The statement also revealed that while a Deputy General Manager was promoted General Manager, two others Deputy General Manager and five others to the position of Assistant General Manager.


It explained further: “Three members of staff were elevated to the position of Principal Manager, nine to Senior Manager Position, six to Manager status, while those promoted to the ranks of Deputy Manager and Assistant Manager altogether number 54. Other staff in the rank of Senior Banking Officer, Banking Officer, Assistant Banking Officer and Executives also benefitted from the promotion exercise.


“Of the number proceeding on retirement one each are in the rank of General Manager and Deputy General Manager and an Assistant General Manager while others are of various categories In carrying out the retirement, the bank worked in co-operation with all the stakeholders including the Association of Senior Staff of Banks, Insurance and Financial Institutions (ASSBIFI) to ensure industrial harmony,” it added.


Unity Bank also stated that the affected workers would be paid their terminal benefits, gratuity, and other entitlements.


http://www.thisdaylive.com/articles/unity-bank-retires-500-workers/120726/#.UA7EGGut7sw.twitter

Half Of A Yellow Sun Coming To Movie Theaters

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s award winning novel, Half Of A Yellow Sun, has been picked up to become a film with the production team behind “The Last King of Scotland”, reportsJamati. (FINALLY!)

It’s always great to see Nigerian literature being picked up by the mass media. I’m definitely looking forward to this film from the outcome to the film production’s actor picks…and hopefully you are too excited about this tidbit.

Half Of A Yellow Sun won a Orange Prize for Fiction in 2007 and the young British-Nigerian author was named by ESSENCE as a honorable African.

Half of a Yellow Sun is set in Nigeria during the 1960s, at a time of the vicious Nigeria- Biafra war in which more than a million people died and thousands were massacred in cold blood.

Three characters are swept up in the rapidly unfolding political events. Ugwu, a boy from a poor village, is employed as a houseboy for a university lecturer. Olanna, a young, middle-class woman, has come to live with the professor, abandoning her privileged life in Lagos for a dusty university town and the charismatic idealism of her new lover. Richard is a tall, shy Englishman, in thrall to Olanna’s twin sister Kainene, who refuses to belong to anyone.

They are propelled into events that will pull them apart and bring them together in the most unexpected ways. As Nigerian troops advance and they run for their lives, their ideals – and their loyalties to each other – are severely tested. This novel is about Africa, about moral responsibility, the end of colonialism, ethnic allegiances, class and race, and about how love can complicate all these things.

[quote via ORANGE PRIZE.CO.UK]

Quick Facts on Chimamanda:

She was born in Enugu State, Nigeria to Igbo parents but she’s from Anambra State, Nigeria.

She’s been called the female literary answer to Chinua Achede.

BBC News called Chimamanda the new face of African literature.

Her birthday is coming up – September 15th!

Her debut novel is called, Purple Hibiscus which won Best First Book award in the 2005 Commonwealth Writers’ Prize.

Her third novel, The Thing Around Your Neck, was released in April 2009.

Abdusallam Abubakar & Stella Oduah Indicted In N230B Oil Scam

A former Head of State, General Abdusallam Abubakar [rtd] is now battling to escape possible trials after being indicted by the Report of House of Representatives Ad Hoc Committee on Fuel Subsidy just as a serving minister in President Goodluck’s Jonathan administration, Princess Stella Adaeze Oduah is under pressure to resign from the cabinet following the indictment of her oil firm by the committee.


“Daily Post” gathered from competent sources that Oduah who is the Federal Minister for Aviation is a major shareholder of one of the indicted oil companies, Sea Petroleum and Gas Company Limited [SPG] which jointly collected a whooping sum of N230,184 billion on Premium Motor Spirit [PMS] volume of 3,262,960225, liters but which was not supplied SPG, sources said was registered on May 3rd, 1998 “to carry on the business of licensed bunkering of petroleum and other mineral oil in all its branches”. SPG’s registration number is 221250 while it has three other Directors apart from Stella Oduah, Erotomi Buwa and Elizabeth Stewart.


Sources at the Corporate Affairs Commission [CAC] further disclosed that Oduah owns 1,999,000,000 out of the two billion shares are being held by the three other directors.


Also, the former Head of State, Genera Abubakar [Rtd] who is the major shareholder in Maizube Petroleum Limited is indicted with the report.


Abubakar holds 600,000 shares in the company registered in 2003 with a one million share capital. Maizube has two other Directors namely Abubakar Isah and Abubakar Aminu.


It was gathered that the leadership of the House of Representatives is desperately pushing for the implementation of the committee report and has allegedly sent copies of the report to the presidency, Economic and Financial Crimes Commission [EFCC], Police and State Security Services [SSS]..


However, it was further gathered that the President is under pressure from his advisers to relieve the Aviation Minister, Stella Oduah of her appointment in order to protect the integrity of his administration.


Sources disclosed that Jonathan is worried by the involvement of the minister and influential Nigerians in the Oil subsidy scandals, which according to the sources had brought panic to the President’s mind on how to dismiss the Minister.


The sources added that the indicted Head of State is buzzing all contracts to forestall the implementation of the oil subsidy report; the powerful Nigerians have allegedly reached out to the Presidency pleading that the action be withheld on the committee’s report on the basis that the committee was vindictive and not thorough in its investigation.


Abubakar have also allegedly reached out to friends in the House of Representatives and those from his state and the six geopolitical zones to block the committee’s report at publicizing the report until they find away to obviate their purported indictment.

Nigerian Rapper Naeto C Marries Nicole

Nigerian rap superstar Naeto C and his sweetheart Nicole Chukwueke tied the knot on Saturday July 21 2012. 

The couple were joined in holy matrimony at the Catholic Church of Divine Mercy in Lekki Phase 1, Lagos while their reception took place at the Impression Events Centre in Lekki, Lagos.

The bride Nicole looked showstoppingly stunning in her wedding dress by UK-Based Nigerian bridal guru Yemi Osunkoya’s Kosibah accessorized with a diamond headpiece and earrings while superstar Naeto was at his dapper best in a blue suit by Okunoren Twins paired with a white bow tie. 

All bridesmaids were dressed in ’20s era inspired dresses by Obsidian who also crafted the bride’s beautiful reception dress. It was a day filled with joy for everyone in attendance including Naeto and Nicole’s parents, family and friends. 

As expected, superstars were in attendance with D’banj, Ikechukwu and others on the guestlist. Naeto and Nicole’s wedding which was coordinated by Perfect Coordinators was filled with a variety of fabulous elements from the decor including standout white and yellow flower-filled centrepieces, a grand all-white and crystal cake by Cakes by Tosan, musical performances and lots more.

As expected, the ecstatic groom performed a plethora of his hit songs including “5 & 6“, “10/10” and “Kini Big Deal” while D’banj thrilled guests with “Scape Goat“, “Oliver Twist“, “Igwe“, “Fall in Love” and many others.

The couple received numerous gifts including a Porsche Cayenne from a family friend (not D’banj as reported in the media). In the end, the focus was on Naeto and Nicole’s love which shone brightly all through the festivities. Congrats Naeto & Nicole Chikwe!

Google launches Gmail SMS in Nigeria

Google launches Gmail SMS in Nigeria

Google has rolled out a new service in Ghana, Nigeria and Kenya that lets Gmail users send and receive emails using the built-in SMS features of their mobile phones.

The implications of this are pretty big, as it means mobile Internet access isn’t required, and users don’t need a new-fangled smartphone with 3G or WiFi capabilities either. For emerging markets, where iPhone and Android uptake may not be what it is in the Western world, not to mention limited Web access, Gmail SMS (available locally) is an interesting launch.

As long as you have a basic mobile phone with voice and SMS capability in these three African countries, you’ll now be able to do all your emailing by text message through activating a simple setting on your Gmail account.